Let me take a guess… If I’m correct – there should be one reason — and one reason only– that you would find yourself here. For some bewildering reason, your (insert best friend, relative, work-mate here) has rejected all better judgment and God-given common sense, gotten down on his bended knee, and made the choice to spend the rest of his years in a constant state of pain, humiliation, and frustration. And to top things off, he’s asked you to help him out with all the bachelor party planning for his last hurrah.
Well, he may indeed be an idiot, but you don’t have to be. The process of planning a bachelor party should – and can be – deceptively simple. With our very easy-to-understand B.O.D.Y. B.A.G. method (and a little help from our little website here) you will find that many of your biggest decisions will virtually make themselves. With a minimum of planning, effort, and common sense on your part, you will find that everyone will have an amazing time, and the bachelor will have the best night of his (soon-to-be-over) life.
All too often, it has been my experience when I’ve attended bachelor parties that the best men/bachelor party planners overcomplicate things by attempting to make the night all things to all people. Instead of simply focusing on the groom and what he wants, they try to please everyone, and consequently, end up pleasing absolutely no one – the least of which being the bachelor, himself. As the night drags on, the party becomes more and more unwieldy, collapsing beneath the sheer magnitude of its own weight.
BACHELOR PARTY PLANNING – THE OLD WAY
Let’s see if this sounds familiar…
The night starts off at the groom’s favorite pub at 7:00 PM. It’s a great, fun place to begin the festivities – and they just so happen to pour a perfect pint of Guinness – an art in itself. The pub is located in the middle of downtown, which, unfortunately, just so happens to be an area with limited parking. It’s really not a big deal, though. The Best Man tells you that he has made reservations at 8:00 PM for an amazing Brazilian churrascaria on the East side that serves all the meat you can eat, carved off of long, metal spits. There’s plenty of time.
When the last guy finally arrives at 7:30 PM – he’s huffing and puffing after running six long blocks from where he finally found a spot to park. No worries, though. He still has time to slam a quick Irish Car Bomb before everybody hops in the limo for the ride to the restaurant on the other side of town.
O.K. – fast-forward to 8:20 PM. It’s a night game for the local basketball team. The off-ramp to the stadium has been clogged up, backing up the “expressway” for about four miles. The limo sits in bumper-to-bumper traffic as you watch the Best Man call ahead to the restaurant. He’s told that they will only hold the table for another ten minutes. Concerned, but not wanting to make a scene, the Groom whispers to you that he didn’t eat all day in anticipation of the feast that awaits him… And his stomach has started growling loud enough for passing aircraft to hear. No biggie, though. There’s plenty of beer in the cool… Hey! Where did all the beer go? Crap!
The limo pulls up at 8:29. WHEW! That was a close one, right? Not so fast. Upon arriving, the Best Man tells the hostess that your group is there, but she neglects to tell the manager. So, in keeping with what he told the best man on the phone – he has already split up the tables that were put together for your party. When he finally hears that your group has arrived, and not knowing whom he should talk to, the manager approaches the Groom-to-be’s “not-so-bright” cousin and tells him that it will be another thirty minutes before he can clear enough tables for the party. The cousin, in his infinite wisdom, neglects to tell the best man and promptly goes into the bar to get wasted on mojitos. Fed up from waiting so long, the best man confronts the manager and they end up in a yelling match, which makes everybody extremely uncomfortable.
By the time everybody is finally seated at 9:15, the waiter has started taking drink orders – and by 9:30 the first garlic marinated sirloin tips get carved. The Best Man heaves a sigh of relief. He’s only about an hour and a half behind schedule. But, dinner shouldn’t take too long, right?
Holy shit! Does the clock really say 10:30? That can’t be! How the hell can these guys eat so damn slow! You hardly notice, but the groom has “broken his seal” and has taken more trips to the bathroom than your weird, incontinent uncle. Luckily though, the last crumbs of dessert are being gobbled up and the only thing left to do is pay the check.
Oh – Dear – God. It’s almost 11:00 and the group’s cheapskate has finally, begrudgingly, flipped in the last $20.00 he owed in order to make the check even up. Everybody climbs into the limo for the drive to a strip club the Groom’s cousin frequents – and where he swears to everyone can get in for free. The Best Man reluctantly agrees, even though he had planned to take everyone to a club that was much closer and the Cousin’s is another half-hour limo ride away…
Well, that is – if the ballgame hadn’t gone into double-overtime! Yep, you guessed it. It’s the same traffic, just going the other way. Everybody who was arriving at the stadium is now leaving. The tone in the back of the limo turns suddenly quiet and lethargic. All the beer is gone. One of the Groom’s buddies, who had planned on sneaking a flask into the strip club, takes one for the team and starts passing it around early…but soon, it’s empty, as well.
Uh-oh… The bachelor has to go to the bathroom again, so the limo needs to pull over at a gas station. Luckily though, it has a mini-mart; so all the guys pile out and start to raid the beer and Twizzler section. By the time the Bachelor zips up his fly and the Best Man is able to corral everybody back into the limo, another twenty minutes have passed and it’s now close to midnight.
Everyone arrives at the strip club at 12:15 to find, much to their chagrin, that “free admittance,” is actually a relative term. Before they’re allowed in, every last guy will have to cough up $20 for a “Two Drink Minimum” consisting of a pair of flat Coca-Colas with a pre-masticated cherry bobbing in each one like a wrinkled and bloated corpse at the bottom of the East River.
To make matters worse, the limo driver approaches the best man to let him know that the car needs to leave (with everybody in it) by 1:00 AM to get back in time. If he goes into overtime, it’ll cost twice the amount per hour that you guys are currently paying – not counting his tip. You quickly realize that if your group bands together to pay for an extra hour of limo time, the money put aside for the Bachelor’s lap dances will be completely depleted. So, forced with this tough decision, the Best Man relents and agrees to leave before the hour is up. Even if the groom has only forty-five minutes before he has to leave, the Best Man is going to make sure he gets his grind on.
After two or three blissful dances — and just as he is starting to get into the fun of it all — the groom and everyone else is rounded up and shoved into the limo for the ride back downtown. The Groom smiles good-naturedly and thanks to everyone for showing him such a great night, but you can tell by the look of disappointment on the Best Man’s face that he’d wished the entire night had gone better. It was supposed to be his last hurrah, but it turned out to be a fiasco of biblical proportions.
You shake your head and think that there has got to be a better way.
Well, there is.
The BODY BAG Method
Here at The Doomed Groom, we have developed a system called The B.O.D.Y. B.A.G. Method that, if used properly, will be incredibly helpful for the planning, organization, and implementation of the perfect bachelor party. It actually covers two separate groupings of advice. The first group (B.O.D.Y.) covers four main guidelines that will help you not only plan the bachelor party but also pull it off with spectacular results. They are:
B – Be The Boss
O – Originality Counts
D – Deal Making
Y – Yield To The Groom
BE THE BOSS
If you want to know the single most important aspect to remember when planning a bachelor party, it’s this – YOU NEED TO BE THE BOSS. Don’t get me wrong, you want to bend over backward to make sure The Doomed Groom gets everything his sick, little heart desires (see “Y” below), but just make sure that everyone else knows that it’s not him that’s in charge – it’s you. Far too often, as we saw in the example above, the person planning the party is swayed, influenced, or even coerced by the other guests at the party to do things that just don’t fit into the bigger picture of the night. This creates confusion and a lack of direction, which can really turn everything upside-down and ruin the party.
This is also important when you arrive at the restaurant or the strip club. Make sure the manager or owner has no doubt about who is the decision-maker for the party. It just makes it easier for them to know that if they have a question that needs to be answered, there is a single person acting as the voice of the group. If you don’t assert yourself and claim this as your role, you will only have chaos as everyone tries to fill the vacuum you’ve left behind.
ORIGINALITY COUNTS
Bar. Restaurant. Strip joint. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. (Yawn!) BO-RING. When it comes to planning a bachelor party, why not climb out of the proverbial box and do something really original and offbeat? Listen; there aren’t any rules you need to slavishly follow or sacred cows that can’t be slaughtered. Let your mind go and maybe you’ll come up with activities or destinations that no one has ever considered.
Do you think your groom might go for a night of paintball? How about whitewater rafting on the Colorado River? Do you think he might enjoy a deep-sea marlin-fishing trip in Baja California? Are there any games or concerts he would like to go see? Go crazy! There are no wrong answers!
O.K., so maybe you’ve never considered yourself much of a left-brained, creative kind of thinker like that. Don’t worry about it! Here at The Doomed Groom, we’ve come up with all sorts of fun ideas to help you get the wheels turning and the juices flowing. We’ve also put together all sorts of travel packages that will really make your bachelor party unforgettable. This night is going to be burned into the poor guy’s memory for the rest of his miserable, married life! For God’s sake, make it something that will last!
DEAL MAKING
Always be willing to walk away from any deal when you hear it. When you enter into a negotiation at a restaurant, strip club, or etc. with plans to bring 20 wild and crazy guys who are ready to spend their money like drunken sailors – it should never be a one-sided bargain. You should be treated like kings! If you want something extra in the package, ask for it! There’s a good chance you’ll get it.
If the manager or owner starts to get huffy with you, just make sure to remind him that they aren’t the only game in town and that there are plenty of other choices that you can make for your bachelor party. With a little haggling, you’ll be able to save money for your crew – and they’ll appreciate the extra dough later when it comes time for the lap dances on the night of the soiree.
YIELD TO THE GROOM
While you may be the boss for the night, the Bachelor is the king. If there is something that he wants, he gets it – end of the story. Unfortunately, this seems to be one of the most overlooked aspects of bachelor party planning. “What does The Doomed Groom want?” It’s a question that is asked a lot more infrequently than you may think. The mantra for everyone involved should be – “The night is not about me, it’s about him.”
So, he wants to spend the night doing off-tune Karaoke and Sake Bombs in Little Tokyo? It may not float your boat, but I say, “Banzai!” He’s got a hankering to get dressed up in medieval chain mail and go to a Renaissance Faire? Well then, grab your doublet and hose and shout, “Huzzah!” He wants to take all of his favorite pictures of his friends and family, buy a photo album, and take everyone to a scrapbooking convention – well, that is kind of odd. I can’t really justify that one. But you get the idea, right? This is the last chance for this guy to ever have his way for the rest of his living, breathing days. It’s your sacred and holy mission to make sure that opportunity isn’t wasted.
The Unity Of BAG
The second part of The Body Bag Method is The Unity of B.A.G., or:
B – Babes
A – Alcohol
G – Grub
You would think that the interrelation between these three items in regards to a bachelor party would be self-evident and to elaborate any further would be a waste of breath. Au contraire, mon freire! This subject is a little more complicated than it would seem. In order to ease of your planning and to make sure that the party stays on track, I recommend that you have a unity of at least two of these in play at all times during the party – and preferably all three. What do I mean by this? Basically, I mean that you want to try and choose destinations and/or locations for your party where you have at least one of these combinations present:
Babes, Alcohol, and Grub
– or just –
Babes and Alcohol
– or just –
Babes and Grub
– or just –
Alcohol and Grub
As we saw in the example above, there are inherent pitfalls involved when you choose locations that are too far apart. You should never make a plan that involves more than a five to ten-minute limo ride away – even in traffic. If you do, you end up spending more time in transit than you do in actual party mode. This is the very reason why locations like Las Vegas or New Orleans are such popular destinations for bachelor parties. They have a supply of all three of these bachelor party staples in surplus, and usually within walking distance of each other. This makes your role of being a bachelor party planner absurdly easy.
You can also find a Unity of B.A.G. by throwing the party yourself at a rented vacation house or a hotel room. This actually is the perfect example, due to the fact that you can easily arrange for all three things to be brought to you instead of having to go out to get it. You can call a caterer for the food, you can purchase all the booze you’ll need (usually for a lot less), and you can hire a stripper to come right to your door. You can make it so that all of the most basic of bachelor party needs are well within your reach and under one roof.
The job of planning a bachelor party doesn’t have to be an arduous and painful task. The B.O.D.Y. B.A.G. Method, when used in conjunction with the other how-to articles on this site and The Doomed Groom’s Bachelor Supply Shop, will make everyone believe that you had to work like a crazy man to organize everything and that you are actually one incredibly smart cookie. They’ll never be aware of how little effort you had to actually put into it, leaving you with the satisfaction of knowing that the only idiot there that night…
Is the one getting married.
